Sexts and the City

I remember the first time I read Jane Austen’s ‘Pride and Prejudice’. The romance. The gentle courting. If I’m frank, the politeness of it all was pretty bloody divine. Alas, we do not live in the gentle pastoral surrounds of ol’ Janey’s motherland and no Mr. Darcy is waiting in the wings to sweep us off our feet – no matter the size of his Pemberley. Instead, we live in the hard digitalised present – no one receives letters, we don’t dress for dinner and betrothals are the last thing on anyone’s mind. 

 At the risk of sounding like a 21st century Carrie Bradshaw with a penis, I’m calling it, the era of e-dating has arrived. 

 As I was sprawled across – yes, across – a friend watching my 800th episode of ‘Girls’ last week it struck me… romance has become a novelty. With the rise and rise of Tinder and other apps one no longer has to wait for that serendipitous moment to strike. There is no gazing into your future husband/wife’s eyes in a coffee shop because their eyes are on their screens. Probably looking at who within a 1km radius looks attractive enough for them to swipe ‘yes’ to. Ain’t love grand!?

This is not to say that love in the 21st century doesn’t exist – it definitely does (Jay-Z and Beyoncé) – it’s just that its not what’s being actively searched for. In the place of dating etiquette we have textiquette and boy oh boy what a can of worms that opens up. Below are listed the holy commandments of textual relations; take heed.

1. Don’t reply too soon.

2. There’s such thing as too many exclamation marks.

3. The use of ‘x’s too soon will spell ruin.

4. Be succinct… but not too succinct

5. Follow up messages checking to see whether Prince Tindering’s phone has malfunctioned are weird. 

6. Spell words properly. I’m sorry but it’s no longer the early noughties. You can afford the extra two letters when it comes to ‘you’.

7. Last but not least, never ever ever ever drop the love bomb in a message 

Needless to say, tit/dick pics do not a fairytale make but in this day and age of the constant screen it’s easy to question whether a fairytale relationship even exists anymore. There is no good or bad about it. There’s just a slightly bleak reality that sometimes makes me want to wallow naked in a bath tub like Hannah does in that first episode of ‘Girls’.

However, I am loathe to finish off a blog post about sexts and the city without at least providing some form of direction and hope. After all, one can only soak in lukewarm water for so long before you start looking like a dried apricot.
It’s easy to forget that we are all fundamentally beautiful souls. What do I know about all the potential Mark Darcy’s out there. God, it could be the next person you serve at work or the guy in front of you in the kilometer long Myki line. Of course if that fails to cheer you up you can always watch this video a hundred times with a cup of tea and a large box of tissues for the ensuing tears.

It may not be love but it’s definitely joy and I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that sometimes that’s even better.